Don’t you hate those bullshit articles titled, “seven things we can learn from _____.” These articles are always ignorant, contentless, or talking down to you. They are almost always also the articles your “friends” on Facebook read on Social Reader (aka how stupid are you/your friends?). They either make you feel like an idiot and tell you things you learned in kindergarten or try to moral high ground you.
I wont do that here. I will however offend you, teach you and challenge you in a unique way.
Think about this question: What is the definition of Linsanity?
And there will be “racism” or as I often like to call it when I do it, “having a good time.”
7. Asians are pretty good at basketball. It had to happen at some point. There are billions of them. Even the Russians were smart enough to steal a gold medal. Jeremy Lin is just Jackie Robinson of the sport. In a few years from now basketball will probably be dominated by Asians and Latinos, but most likely by BlAsians and BLatinos.
6. Wait for your chance to present itself and give it all you got.
Jeremy Lin, so close to getting cut again and then all of a sudden… He got that one teensy chance. Oh you the know, the chance so small that it turned out to be that small chance that changed his life forever. Hopefully for the better.
5. You are more than others judge you to be.
For every kid Jeremy Lin schooled on the basketball court, there have probably been like ten kids who never played him because they got to the court and decided that they did not want to play with some Asian goofball. Only you can prevent forrest fires/understand your full potential.
All these teams, scouts, and organizations that specialized in understanding basketball “talent” really dropped the ball on this Lin guy. Its not because they are stupid (Its much more because they are racist, which is pretty much stupidity’s older and more bigoted cousin), but because only Lin knew how far he could go. If Jeremy Lin is even a little bit surprised right now about his “making it” I’d donate my left kidney to one of his random cousins in Taiwan. Why else would he have dedicated his perfectly delicious Asian-Amercian Life Formula (4.2 HS GPA, Harvard Economics, Perfection in Practice) to the unlikely cause of Basketball?
4. If you believe in God/Religion then people will like you more (In America).
Most people probably don’t care about Jeremy Lin’s personal relationship with God. In fact, they probably have never considered such a reality. They do however care that he is Christian. Yeah, that makes him VERY popular. He also goes to a building on Sundays with other people who fear hell. If you are having a hard time understanding this, think back to the babbling of your mother/grandparent because you are most likely Jewish if you are reading this (But totally awesome if you aren’t! Just admit you are in NY anyway). How often are people considered at least three times cooler/hotter/smarter/more interesting because they are the SAME _________ as you and your beloved _______.
3. Sports are more important than politics.
Sports stories unfold on television, not on CSPAN (which is a channel, but is not television). People care to watch them. We will travel far and wide to watch them and give our money and time to sports daily, not just on the first Tuesday in November (if we do that at all).
Blacks, Whites, Browns, Yellows, Reds, Magentas, and Rainbows watch sports TV and they also write articles on the internet about sports. I don’t care if it’s Emmanuel Goldstein or Ohm Youngmisuk writing the article. I don’t care who writes the articles about my sports any more than I care if its some Asian or some Black dude who scores the winning basket as long as its for the Knicks!
Sports writers are not all tenured fat fucks (they use weight watchers), but they truly provide something of real value in entertainment and insight. Does CNN/FOXNEWS inspire anything other than senseless hatred or fear? It seems that today, the place where issues like race, health, and morality are most openly tackled are ESPN. Is that crazy or what? The most poignant articles/specials on these topics are time in and time out found in sports!
Athletes have to face the fuck up to their mistakes (nowadays at least - Michael Jordan you lucky bastard). Fans do not forget when you make a mistake on or off the court. There is no way to hide your 2-17 field goal shooting or in-your-thigh-club shooting fiasco. The stats are everywhere and they do not lie. But we’ll forgive you if you apologize and you mean it. And we ACTUALLY CARE if you do! Politics? does anybody even care? What bills did Barack Obama veto in 2009? Who won NBA MVP in 2009? Thank you.
2. Be a part of/create a system that highlights your best skills.
People are talking Jeremy Lin all the time now. He worked really hard to get his small chance on Feb. 4th against the Nets, but lets be honest, would he have burst open like he is now if he was not in Mike D’Antoni’s system? I don’t think so.
Lin teaches us that to truly maximize our abilities and talents, we need to be in a situation that invites us to bring our best to the table and provides a framework for thriving.
1.5 Humility is the new desirable trait that people love.
Why? isn’t that like… uh stupid? Not exactly. There are some important things that don’t go into a highlight reel. If people are threatened by you, they will like you less inside. Its a fact. If people see you as someone who can help them, they will be all about you (yes, respect and admiration).
When you share your success with the team, then nobody is thinking, “to hell with that guy, I could kick his ass,” but they are counting down the moments to when they might have the opportunity to play with you and succeed together (easier said than done).
If any other character was on TV and in demand as much as Jeremy Lin then we would unquestionably be so utterly sick of it. Why have we not gotten tired of Jeremy Lin? Why am I writing my second article on this fucker?
Because he doesn’t want any of this. Its not important to him. The glamour is a joke to him. Because it is a joke! He is a real human being and he understands he is not a deity. He is not like Tebow. He is not comfortable in front of the camera unless he is playing basketball. His humility is a reminder to us to go out there and give our gifts. Anything else is a distraction.
1. Try to use your best skills to make others better. That makes your skills more valuable.
What is the definition of Linsanity? Linsanity is a state of mind. Its the idea that as long as Jeremy Lin is at point guard, the Knicks can win the game. It’s so damn simple! Linsanity is not the same reason you watch Kobe. There is no amount of points or assists that Lin needs to make the game Linteresting. I dare you to be entertained by a Laker game when Kobe scores less than 30.
Lin is beloved by his fans, but even more so by his teammates! They are all better with him Lin the game. Nobody wants to take his spotlight, they want to share it with him.
0. Supplies!!!
Huh? oh yeah. Surprise. A good surprise can change everything. It can change your perspective and it can re-energize hundreds of thousands of fans and people looking to be inspired.
I have been meaning to write an article on Jeremy Lin for a long time (At least 3 days). My current thoughts are:
AHHHH!!!! YES!!!! FIREWORKS!!!!!!
BDHJKHKHJD!!!!kdkdjekdljedi!!!!
I cannot get enough of him. Finally its OUR TEAM that is in it to win it! Forget LeBron and all those other perennial losers (amazing athletes). The New York Knicks are back just when you were like “I need another CaraMelo… STAT.” (worst joke ever?).
The main reason I can’t get enough of Jeremy Lin is because as each game goes on I get more comfortable with the idea that he is a long term solution for Knicks - a franchise that has been in the dumps for over a decade.
Yes, he can score, pass, be Asian, clutch it, defend, and not go left, but the main reason I love him is absolutely paramount.
He makes the rest of his teammates much better when he is on the court.
This main reason is flanked by two others.
1. He is so fucking humble
2. He has an incredibly high basketball IQ
These three facts are intangibles. You either have them or don’t. Lin not only has them - he has intercourse with them on a nightly basis (he will soon add a pile of money to the equation). Stat and Melo are great players but they have neither of these qualities and they rarely elevate the team to a higher level.
The Knicks have not had a point guard of any worth in over a decade. They have not had a single player since the Ewing Era that has actually improved the entire team and elevated them with his individual presence.
Jeremy Lin comes to town and schools us on composure, humility, coldfaced-killerness, and teamwork.
All of a sudden Landry Fields comes back out from behind his rock to play super solid. Tyson Chandler’s getting the ball in all the right places. Amaré can just play his game. Shumpert has a huge weight lifted off his shoulders and focuses on tightening up D.
Which brings me to the next point. If the 1993-1994 Knicks are as amazing as I and all my friends and family believed at the time, then shouldn’t these current Knicks just try to copy them? Of course not you fool.
Or maybe they should…
When I look back at my favorite Knicks teams. The main thing I see is a physical defensive team that does not shy down from the big moments. There is hype. There are some stars (Ewing and… Starks?) and then there are those guys that are stars in NYC (Mason, Starks, Oakley, Harper, Charles Smith). But the biggest deal was always the KNICKS! it was walking down the street going to school in the morning and sharing the excitement that our team could beat the best of them (Michael Jordan). Chatting with the garbage man and shooting the shit with the local barista (I don’t think that word existed in NYC then).
There is no doubt right now that we have the same swagger. Yes, we beat the shitty teams. But thats what good teams are supposed to do! Thats what makes you a good team! You beat the shitty teams every time and grab some close ones against the Best of them!
I will conclude simply by saying this:
I don’t know what will happen with the Knicks in April and May (Possibly June?). I do know this: Im sure as fuck excited to see it unfold in earnest for the first time since the beginning of High School!
Lin for MVP! if he keeps this up, how could you argue against him?
I finally give you a review of Saved By the Bell: Behind the Bell by Dustin Diamond.
This book is what I see as Dustin Diamond’s opportunity to set the story straight. It was for him to show that he was a good guy that got caught up in playing the dorkus maximus. He openly admits that everyone sees him as a one trick pony after portraying Screech. His book does nothing to dispel this myth. His pony has changed, but the trick is the same. Aside from embarrassing all the “stars” who shat on him as a youth (he was 2 or 3 years younger than the rest of the gang), Diamond chooses to brag about his sexual exploits and his supposedly enormous genitalia.
After reading this book - which was the most poorly written book I have ever read - I didn’t know how to react. Im not even nitpicking here. There is at least one occasion in which a paragraph is repeated right after the original. Almost every sentence is a run on and those that aren’t are fragments.
I will now give a summary of everything Diamond says that is worth repeating
Screech - Had sex with a lot of women during the show once he got a bit older in his teens. He picked them up from Disneyland. Had sex with NBC exec. Linda Mancuso when he was 15. EVERYONE shat on him during the show. His dad was an extra on the show sometimes. He worked mad hard to get to and from the set because he was not wealthy. Screech thinks he’s hilarious in real life yet his douchiness is so clear in this book its almost nauseating. He still is not wealthy - hence the book (which didn’t make him wealthy- money or any other wealth)
AC Slater: Raped a girl and NBC covered it up. Had sex with EVERY girl on the show first and all the extras. #1 pimp. SUPER AGGRESSIVE.
Zack - Dutch-Thai ancestry. Insists on 2nd first name (Mark-Paul). Got Slater’s sloppy seconds and hooked up with them all, seriously. Dated Lisa seriously. Dated Kelly seriously at some point. Had a threesome with Peter Engel (producer) and Kelly.
Kelly - Mom had a fat ass, now she does. Was a slut. Did sexual favors for Peter Engel to replace Screech on a SBTB Europe and Mall tour. Was the favorite along with Zack (obviously)
Jessie - Don’t get too excited or scared - Nothing important other than what you already know.
Lisa - Is a religious Jehovah’s Witness - Mocked Screech in real life like she did on screen.
Belding - Actually the only one who was a friend of Screech in real life even though they had some rough times. When the New Class came out they became the anchor of the show. When the New Class was cancelled Screech begged him to take the show on the road and Belding was like DUDE - enough is enough of this nonsense.Diamond idealizes his acting talents and his dynamic with Belding. He says they were a genius comedy team.
Tidbits: The Johnny Dakota NO DRUGS episode was filmed when Kelly was dating the actor. Behind the scenes she was cheating on him with Zack. The whole gang was also smoking TONS of weed between scenes of filming it. That was the irony.
You want to feel bad for Diamond throughout the book, but the only problem is every moment you start feeling a little empathetic, he says something so stupid and unbearable that you slap yourself for letting your douche guard down. Now, Im not one to evaluate maturity levels, but this guy sounds like he just finished 7th grade with a 12th grade penis.
If you like Saved By the Bell a little bit, this book is a waste of time for you. If it defined a part of your childhood, it is worthwhile to read, just to revisit that part. I want to just reiterate how many euphemisms Diamond uses for the word penis (he does not stop talking about his own and how big it is).
PS - Max, the magician from his namesake restaurant, was gay and had plenty of gay sex with Neil Patrick Harris. He Dogged Doogie.
I admit it. I am a total hypocrite. I’ve done so many goyish things and had so many goyish desires that I have acted on. I love the smell of Christmas Trees and I like that people are friendlier during that time of year.
I am not ashamed of anything that I have done in my goyishisms. Im only ashamed that I could not be more transparent and accepting of myself and others.
I have had mixed feelings about my goyish post every since I launched it. It needed to be done. But there needs to be some additions.
In making that post I feel like I portrayed myself as someone only on one side of the Goyish Coin. But believe me I am on the other side too.
For me, to be goyish in my own eyes is far worse than breaking a Jewish law or custom, although they are certainly not mutually exclusive.
In light of the fact that we are in the those 10 days of Repentance I shall list some of the most goyish things I have ever done. I consider these to be serious goyishnesses.
But first, the following things are ultra goyish:
- Ordering plaid from LL Bean
- American Cheese
-Ham and Cheese
-Doritos
-Denying the Holocaust
-Going to a baseball game on Shabbos
And now we begin:
Rosh HaShannah - The New Year
1. There is nothing more goyish than going out to dinner for a Jewish Holiday. Jewish holidays belong in the house or at the local worship box. One RH I did go out for dinner the first night. I made the blessings over wine etc… in my house and then went out for a meal.
I felt pretty darn embarrassed at first, but my goyishness reached a peak when at the restaurant I saw someone wearing a white skullcap. The person I was with insisted on wishing this person a happy new year while I felt the need to run.
The idea of spending my Rosh HaShannah with somebody so goyish that they would go out to dinner? Who would do such a goyism?
Food - Someone’s gotta break em
1. Lovingly ate every type of pork in Spain every day for at least 4 months without a break. Face is delicious.
2. I once ate a bacon cheeseburger with a coffee milkshake and then I ordered a peanut butter milkshake after, I was only 8. Little goyish me.
Everybody knows that any burger of any sort eaten simultaneously with a dairy dessert is extremely goyish. If said dairy dessert is ordered once the burger has been completed and cleared, preferably after a separate dessert menu has been issued by waiter, then it is 1/60th as goyish to order it as it would be to do so simultaneously from the larger and general menu.
If however, the ordering is done in a state in which is at least 2 states away from the place you were born/reside then it is permissible to partake in such a simultaneous combination if you are alone or with a Jewish friend. Then it is not goyish. It becomes “experimenting with a new culture.”
3. In college, I once ate bagged frozen shrimp that I defrosted under hot water with my bare hands. I will never live that goyish desperation down.
4. I like eggnog. Enough said.
Passover - You know it
1. Living in Spain I once ate very high quality ($75 + Per Pound) cured Pata Negra Spanish ham on Matzah. Highly Recommended. High Goyish. It made sense at the time. I also ate rice.
Tisha B’Av - The most solemn day in the Jewish Calendar, a fast day
1. After fasting until the conclusion of the afternoon service (during which I read from the Torah) I ate some mushrooms and tried to eat lunch, but I was distracted.
2. Had sex and then didn’t feel guilty. And I then continued to fast the whole day.
Shavuot - The celebration of the giving of the Torah
1. I forgot the Holiday even happened once when I was in another country. I always remember this as the time as a most guilty one because it made me bug out.
Do you know what it means for something to be Goyish? There are certain behaviors, foods, actions that many Jewish immigrants never took on from the native peoples of the USA. This category of Goyishness is the result.
If you have any taxidermy in your home. Yes, that is stuffed dead animals, you have perhaps touched on one of the most goyish things a Jew can do.
Jews do not display dead animals that they have shot with crossbows. I’m not sure if a Jew has ever even fired a crossbow outside of a video game.
You want to know what else is goyish? Drinking milk with dinner.
If you drink milk with dinner and you are a male, you might very well have an intact foreskin.
Its common knowledge that Jews are permitted in eating the candy of friendly gentile neighbors on Oct 31st, but it is strictly forbidden that a Jew have his or her own Halloween decorations in a home. To put up such decorations would be extremely goyish. A lone pumpkin is acceptable, but there must be no orange and black plastic or paper accessories.
Wearing a red and green sweater with “Winter Seaonalities” is obviously the fashion equivalent of eating bacon. Super Goytastic. It is Forbidden for a Jew to have the colors red and green near his house or apartment in the months of November, December, and January in a decorative manner. Ambulances and trees are permitted.
Lets get down to foods.
Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is Goyish. You know it. There is no such thing as a Jewish Mac and Cheese, but other brands are acceptable for consumption.
Mayonnaise. SO goyish, with a few exceptions. Mayonnaise outside the context of Cole Slaw, Egg Salad, Tuna Salad, and Potato Salad is Totally GOYISH. In fact, if you are a Jewish non-cooking male, you should not actually know what mayonnaise looks like in person unadulterated.
Any mayonnaise substitutes are also goyish.
Cream Cheese and Pepperoni is obviously goyish but it deserves a special mention. Growing up, I was allowed to eat anything that I wanted. Kosher or Unkosher. But there were somethings that were simply unheard of. I was not allowed to eat the goyish food and watch the goyish TV.
The combination of cream cheese with any meat product is simple Goyish.
Watching Professional Wrestling - Dont even think about it. Goyish.
Any Pillsbury products are officially goyish.
I had to beg my Parents to let me eat at McDonald’s when I was 6-8 years old. I BEGGED! If only I could have understood what a little Goy I was. Whining asking for processed chicken buttholes. I have learned from my Goyish ways.
Thank you.
Last year, right around now, I made another blog post. It was about Rosh HaShanah and a pump up sermon. I now share a very different piece of writing. I don’t know where it came from, but it’s here in all its roughness.
—————————————————————————————————————
It was an ordinary day for Scott S. Grolier. Filled with existential angst and riddled with loneliness and stuckitude. Young Scott attacked his keyboard plundering useless information on Facebook. Our lazy JD candidate gobbled up meaningless stats to fill his mindhole. He consumed opinions of already opinionated articles artfully borrowed from other publications. Lets not of course forget the things little Scotty Boy “checks” on the Ole Interweb. These things are certainly the least important of all least-importancies in a life littered with mostly weak and ephemeral connections to people and earth.
Arrested development are the first words that come to mind, but they dont quite describe the situation.
After a full 5-hour study period followed by a 7-hour shift tending bar, Scott was more than happy to get back to the Brocean, his huge downtown loft apartment with 180 degrees of water views, perfect sunsets, and outdoor parties. His roommates were, well, out at parties for the night having finished their finals the previous afternoon.
He plopped onto his pricey artificially beaten up leather sofa and after taking a deep breath in he closed his eyes and exhaled. He so badly wanted to reach for the Apple laptop computer to see if his favorite bat and ball team won the old nine inning slugfest. He wanted to read the news of another country and judge them. He wanted to see if the latest fantasy football game had been played that week so he could send meaningless taunt messages to his non-friends through his cellular telephone. And he couldn’t even move his wrists. His hands were dead. A thought crossed his mind as he wiped away a scattering of sweat beads from his bushy brow.
If he didnt run to a bathroom in the next three seconds, he would shit his pants. These weren’t some old navy pants or something from the discount section at your local low wage commodities center. These are tailor made dress pants with a special weave imported from a boutique in Italy. A gift from his late grandfather. Gotta love those Italian artisans. Anyway, the whole point is that he couldn’t sentimentally afford to mess these pants up.
He kicked his pants and shoes off in one violent body shaking emotion and his bare feet felt glued to the floor as he gripped with each of his toes. As his amply gushy buttocks sunk into the inner circle of the plush seat cover he felt bad about his stanky ass mucking up the seat for everyone else. He hadn’t showered for days. You wouldn’t know it by smelling any part of him over his clothes, but when he opened his fly to take a piss, the whole mens room would throw their heads back in vomitude to the disgraciously sack curdling odor.
When it was all over he wondered to himself how it was possible to be so much lighter after dropping this deuce. He had felt something coming through him with a life of it own and then it was gone. His whole rectum and adjacent area was giving itself a good pat on the back.
He got up to wipe his crack and it was only then that he realized his shit was as his little brother might say, “totally fucked up!” It was glowing a neon green with faint ray of pink in the fringes.
Simultaneously, Scott heard the front door swing open. This was followed by a quick pattering of footsteps that kept on getting louder and louder. Scott squeaked the door open, but his view was obscured by a dark and rough shiny outer-coat.
As he broke the plane of the bathroom door, Todd’s head appeared to be on a swivel as it oscillated between the magnificent turd and his superhuman roommate. His face contorted, but his vocal chords did not vibrate. Scotts mouth curved upwards as he proudly stated, “As cool as that looks, it felt even better to have shat it.”
Scott moved his hand to the chrome flusher, but Todd quickly batted it down with his densely dotted, fiery red follicled arm. Before Scott could blink, Todd was on his knees sniffing and examining all possible angles of the glowing horseshoe. Todd dexterously sprang up and he flung himself to the kitchen. When he returned his hand was behind his back.
“This went from strange to totally fucked up Todd.”
“What do you have behind your back.”
Todd silently smiled and bent down again. When he removed the chopsticks from out of view, he deftly placed them in his right hand.
“Todd, you are not doing what I think you are doing.”
“Am I Scott? Because I think it would be very foolish to let this scatological anomaly go unstudied and unscrutinized by the eyes of a qualified naturalist and naturist.”
“Just because you like to roll around in the dirt naked does not make you a qualified anything.” Said Scott. “I can’t believe you are going to poke my own goddamn shit. You know it came from my ass.”
“Scott, there is a difference between poking and prodding. I prod to evaluate density. One pokes a drunken college kid to see if he is conscious. But yes, I am going to poke that shit. It needs to be done. You give me one reason not to.”
“I have AIDS Todd.”
“No you don’t. Even if you did, I would probably have to eat like at least 3-5 turds of this size to have a 5% chance. I’m poking that turd and you will observe as a witness to my bravery.”
“Just get it over with.”
As Todd inched his wooden eating sticks closer to the turd he felt an energy that was undoubtedly foreign, from another planet if not another dimension. He carefully poked the turd, but it crumbled upon the first instant of pressure.
“Thats funny, I thought a glowing turd would be made of… you know, shit. And not…”
“A Shiny Gold 8GB Flashcard.” Said Todd.
“Yes. Well that settles this. Time to flush.”
“Not so fast Scott, I am going to see what is on that flashdrive.”
“Todd, you will not touch that alien, fecally charged flashdrive. This has gone far enough.”
“You are right Scott”
Todd took a deep breath. He casually placed his hand in the toilet bowl and pulled out the Golden Storage Card. Scott vomited in his mouth a little bit and Todd washed off the card with ample soap.
“Well Scott, lets get your PC and see what’s on this badboy”
“NO WAY TODD! I am not putting something that came out of my ass in my computer.”
As Scott rinsed his mouth with Scope Todd conceded, “You are certainly not expected to do so.” Immediately following this conciliatory statement he slammed the bathroom door and bolted to Scott’s room. The fool always kept his computer un-password protected on his desk.
Scott shouted from the bathroom as he fiddled with the doorknob. “Todd… Wait! If you are going to do it, at least let me be there.”
Scott sat down adjacent to Todd at the oversized desk as he opened up the shiny Apple laptop. Scott insisted that he would be the one to place the card in the slot. With baited breath, Scott slid the shiny card into the svelte housing. Silence. A shared glance.
It suddenly occurred to the occupants of the Brocean. They were afraid.
“What if it has a virus Todd? What if it will wipe my whole hard drive. My Schoolwork, my pictures, my email, my…”
“Forget about your impressive porno collection Scott. This needs to be done.”
Nothing happened.
“Scott, you have to click on that golden icon on the desktop. Thats the flashdrive.”
The click was silent, but the buzz that accompanied the click filled the whole room. The spinning of the hard drive was audible from the hallway by then. The computer screen went black for a moment then lit up bright green. Then suddenly the computer disappeared only to reappear a moment later. It seemed to flicker in and out of this dimension.
The machine began to shake and the base began to transfigure itself as the monitor flashed and the hard drive cacophonously spun. After a few seconds of chaos, a strange shape began to take form at the base of the titanium machine.
Vaginal is the first word that comes to mind, but this was a sideways metal vulva that seamlessly intertwined with the metal-plastic machine.
Todd and Scott knew enough about female anatomy to decide that this was not a coincidence.
While Scott sat there mortified, Todd grinned and exclaimed, “I think your computer just grew a vagina. A nice one. It looks so perfect. I told you it didn’t have a virus.”
Scott then picked up his head and reached out his boney pointer finger. With great trepidation, he lightly caressed what was undoubtedly a work of anatomical art. But when we he touched the material, he didn’t feel a coldness associated with aluminium alloy. He felt the warmth of a living being. A strange feminine aura emanated from the device. It intoxicated him.
“Uhh… Todd… I think its time you leave. Im uhhh… getting tired.”
“Its only Midnight… oh no… no… Scott. You cannot do this.”
“Todd, I simply don’t know what you are talking about. I’ve been up all day studying and working. Im going to bed now. You should go wash your hands thoroughly and let go of this whole thing. Let it pass.”
Scott brushed his teeth and then nussled himself under the covers. He sat there reviewing the strange series of events that night like flipping through a deck of cards. He had convinced himself that he was going to sleep, but a part of him could not fight the curiosity.
He dog-eared his comforter and swung his two legs onto the hardwood floor. The decision to get up was galvanized by the curiosity he felt groping inside himself. It wasn’t carnal as much as it was the yearning for a connection to something unknown.
It was with this intention that he opened up the computer once more. He examined the modified metal and finally decided that it needed to be done. He was sure of one thing. If someone was going to stuff their genitals into that machine, it was going to be him.
It was not what he expected. But then again, one can hardly expect infinity. Scott swirled into cosmic eternity. The floating stomach feeling of a roller coaster journey penetrated his every cell. Gravity suspended. He was nowhere and everywhere. From the corner of one eye he thought he saw the thermonuclear fusion of the sun and then it hit him.
His whole life was a bunch of total bullshit. It was as if he reached down to scratch his nuts only to realize they were cut off long ago. He couldn’t even remember the last time he made a decision in his life. It seemed like it was all swirling down a drain. When life was done melting he felt himself in a distant bubble. Deep inside himself and the universe. There were no thoughts, only being.
In a flash he returned. he found himself laying in his bed. There was a sense of peace that pervaded his soul. His head was clean and clear.
He lightly waded in the ether to the bathroom for his morning relief. It burned.
When he looked down at the red dots he was certain. He wouldn’t tell Todd, but that flash drive definitely had a virus.
A friend mentioned Ginsberg and I remembered the poem I wrote in college at a very influential time in my life. If you haven’t heard of Ginsberg, well, just read it, but not in front of the youngins.
EB’s Howl - March 2008
Please email/facebook/human contact me for this work
Im So Happy Blues. EJBlues on my Uke.
This entry is a little bit longer than usual, but I promise you that its like that for a reason and that it will blow you away.
“Cada planta tiene espiritu. Cada planta aqui es sabido. sabido es magico.”
“Every plant has a spirit and every plant is magic. sabido means magic.”
-Donna, the shaman and her philosophy
In preparation for writing this installment of my Peru trip I listened to my audio-journal that I recorded in the jungle. I’ve had some time to reflect, a little bit over a month since my return. It was amazing to re-visit the experience and I noticed that as my recordings proceeded I went from a state of blissful peace to a state of having my world rocked and bursting with eagerness to share. While listening to myself I cannot remember when I last heard the word breathtaking that many times since that episode of Seinfeld about the ugly baby in the Hamptons. I never used to use that word, I never was previously compelled to use that word. It all changed.
Let me begin by saying that I drank ayahuasca several times over the course of my time in the jungle. The experiences which were mostly at night were punctuated by periodic day-trips to the “city” of Iquitos and the market there (which is so freakin amazing its worth it to go there just for that). I was shocked to discover that every ayahuasca experience was completely and utterly unique. You get what you need at that moment.
I had heard so much about ayahuasca that I had a great fear in me. Not a fear like “oh shit, that guy’s got a gun!” but fear like awe and respect. Like many Jewish folk say you are supposed to have for God. Everyone told me I could expect great things and the only sure thing was that it was not going to be predictable.
I learned over time that drinking ayahuasca is like a formal courtship. It is about taking things slowly. Don’t expect much the first time or even perhaps the fourth or fifth time, but hell yes, you might get some the first night if the plant likes you and you are ready for it.
I went into the whole thing not expecting much the first night, but secretly hoping to have my brains blown away. In preparation for the ayahuasca it is vital to not eat food that day. A small breakfasting of fruit is alright, but holding back from any food consumption is preferable. Also, refraining from drinking water hours before is highly recommended. In the hours leading up to the ceremony, aside from bathing with different plants and flowers, I did a substantial meditation and relaxation session. I noticed this while listening to my audio journal that I recorded before the first experience. I was talking so slowly and with such relaxation that when I heard myself I was like, “Who the hell is that guy speaking?”
The ayahuasca ceremony I experienced consists of getting to the ceremony location and setting up. Its important to have plenty of little Peruvian hand rolled natural cigarettes (tobacco is needed as a protector and its very good to smoke after drinking the ayahuasca for nausea reasons), different smelling perfumes i’ve never heard of like “agua de florida” and “agua de kananga” and any other talismans.
Donna, the shaman, then poured me about a half of a small shot-glass size cup of ayahuasca. She then began to sign to the medicine and blow smoke into the cup rhythmically while tapping her foot. When I finally received the small cup made from a coquito fruit, I sang a little tune and blessing before drinking. The first time you taste ayahuasca is unforgettable. It tastes like chocolate and its so unique and you want it again! I drank it as I remarked on its delicious flavor.
Donna explained that she was going to sing three songs (more like what we call in Judaism niggunim, or wordless melodies with some occasional words) and then I was to lay down and relax. Throughout the experience she would say, “conectate con la planta.” Connect with the plant.
I lay there thinking, what the hell have I gotten myself into? Im not feeling anything. Doubt crept in. I even felt a little bit of anger that Donna would not stop singing. I was thinking: shut the fuck up so I can actually lie down and think. It was the only time I felt any anger the entire time I was in the jungle. Eventually I felt bad for even thinking that because it was not her fault that I was not seeing anything. She would periodically ask me, “Eric, visiónes?” “Are you having visions?” or are you nauseous? or is everything OK?
Nothing.
Or close to nothing. whatever I felt, I didn’t quite let it sink in or let myself believe it.
I was not broken or even a little annoyed. I was in this thing for the long haul. I had 11 more days left.
The second time was like the first. As soon as it began to get dark we went out and by the time it was black out we started the ceremony. The second time you taste ayahuasca, it is nothing like the first time. Donna says that the plant tricks you. For me, the second time (and every time after it) tastes like a hyena’s inner butt hole, but sweeter. The only thing that would settle me and remove the taste was a cigarette or two from the huge bundle purchased at the market. I understood why they call tobacco a protector at that moment.
Anyway, I lay there wondering what was going on. I felt almost nothing at first so Donna asked me if i wanted a little more and I readily agreed. After a few moments of setting in to my experience I allowed myself to be wooed by Donna’s singing. It felt like the night before, except what I thought was kinda happening to me the first night was DEFINITELY happening that second night. I was definitely seeing my dreams from my past. I saw dreams from when I was a young boy. I felt a sense of euphoria and one-ness with the world. I felt philosophical euphoric. There were a few small visions. A lot more feeling than visioning. Slowed, very slowed. It was a lot more about feeling in my body than visioning. When Donna asked how everything was I realized how awesome it was going! I told her, in super slow motion that everything was great.
After about two and a half or three hours the ceremony part is over, but that by no means dictates what the ayahuasca will do. The experience continues as long as you entertain it, but only Donna’s part just ends around then. As we walked back to the house I moved with a slowness and awesomeness that I relished. I looked up at the sky and saw the most amazing nightscape I had ever seen.
When I came out of the ceremony the stars BLEW ME AWAY. my jaw dropped open permanently and I just stood there mesmerized.
I felt such euphoria as I began to lay in my bed and think how cool it all was and how lucky I was. And then I cried. I had set crying as one of my goals at the beginning of the trip. It had been so long that I figured I was overdue. I wanted the cry to be from sadness, but it ended up being from joy. I had traveled so far to see the world from a different angle, to get a glimpse into another world both within the world and beyond it. It was all paying off.
The third time I would drink the ayahuasca, Donna’s son, Percy was to be the MC. We would also be joined by a new guest, a Limeña, named Rosa Elena (whom I thought was Rosalina for the first 4 days I knew her). Early that morning, I decided I was going to get more serious about my experience. I would not only fast the entire day, but I would refrain from speaking as well. This proved to be a very good idea.
Just as it was getting dark Rosa arrived with Donna and we all got together to start the ceremony. I nodded a greeting to Rosa and we sat down. Percy handed me the cup and I did my usual routine and wondered whether or not I was going to be blown away this time. The second time was great, but it was by no means my most powerful/intense experience with perspective altering/shifting medicine. Far from it. It was totally unique and amazing, but it didn’t punch me in the face. It patted me on the back and hugged me softly.
This third time proved to begin just like the first two times. I drank my cup, and sat for a few songs. I did not like Percy’s voice as much as Donna’s. Donna sat there next to us, but let Percy take the lead as he also partook in drinking the medicine. I sat there thinking, “When is this going to start? come on man!” I sat cross-legged and rested my head on my right arm which rested on my right knee. I must have blinked for a second because all of a sudden the medicine hit me. VISIONS. Very cool looking. Patterns, lines, colors, paisleys, reds and oranges. I was totally wowed. I wasn’t observing these things. I was a part of the visions. So beautiful. I knew at that moment that I should lie down to relax. I felt uncomfortable physically at first and then I realized that I was all tense. I relaxed myself and floated into a super-comfortable state. I tuned into the niggunim that were being sung and I had great gratitude for where I was. The experience of not speaking was very powerful to me and allowed a lot of different feelings to come up that normally might have been ignored had I been talking.
I laid there tuning into the music and rhythmically breathing. I saw a tigers face and I realized quite simply that I was a tiger. I saw many tigers and lions come and go as I am part lion too. I had been foolish all my previous years to ignore this now obvious fact. My first favorite stuffed animals as a child were all felines and Ty-gee (the tiger) was my absolute favorite.
I alternated between moments of being completely inside of my heart-world and moments of being among what I felt to be my cherished family (despite the fact that I had not said a word to Rosa Elena). A strange sound pulled me out of my own world for a moment and I realized it was the sound of Percy vomiting. Donna immediately “jumped” in and began singing. Her song completely changed where I was. I felt like she was a queen bee buzzing in a red cave and I was a happy drone bee. I began to “visit” different friends. Every vision of these friends was accompanied by the happiness and warmth I feel when I am around them. It was so uplifting that I felt like the luckiest person in the world. I had visited over a dozen friends and was smiling huge grimaces of joy.
From there I moved into a place of silence, but only for a few seconds. Despite the fact that I was not the leader of the ceremony, a place deep inside myself told me that it was time for me to sing. I had no choice in the matter as a soft, but sturdy and rich niggun emanated from my heart. I sang the melody, but it would be more appropriate to say that it sung me. The song came directly out of me with fire and flame. I remember thinking which part comes next? But before I could even finish the question I had already transitioned to the next part. I was observing myself singing almost outside of myself. When the song finally ended I was silent and it felt like it had rocked everyones world. This was certainly each persons first experience with a Jewish soulful niggun and they liked it. I felt like a spirit left me and I went back into a different mode of being. Moments after I could hardly recall singing anything at all.
And then all of a sudden, I began to sing in a language I had never spoken before, or so I thought. Percy and I began to sing-talk to each other. I remember feeling like I was expressing a part of myself that I had never expressed with words. Percy and I, at that moment were communicating on a deeper level than we could possibly have with words. I felt very close to him, like we were long lost brothers.
Throughout the entire experience I would laugh with great fury and then go completely silent thinking how crazy it would be to utter a sound. I would just sigh like I was letting go of all the tension I have ever had. And then there were moments where all I could do was roar like a tiger. Sighs of relief. Feelings of one with the world. It felt so good.
When the ceremony ended I hugged everyone and Percy told me that earlier I had spoke to him in an ancient alien language he often hears in his dreams. I was hardly suprised by anything at this point. When we returned to the “bungalo” Percy and I reclined in the hammocks. We sang his song for about 2-3 hours before falling asleep.
It was completely different than any experience I had ever had in my entire life. It was a whirlwind of awesomeness and amazement. Ineffable. My open heart showed me that love devours fear like Adam Richman devours animal communities. During the experience I knew that those moments alone elevated my trip to Peru to a level high above anything I could ever have possibly imagined. Thank you God.
